No Pants? No Problem!

I recently submitted an application to a local graduate school known for its conservative views and close ties to a certain, completely sane televangelist. I wouldn't have bothered with applying if it wasn't for the fact that the school has a top-notch, kick-ass clinical psychology program. Part of the application required me to sign a form stating that I would not consume the following while on campus: alcohol, illicit drugs, or tobacco. As I signed my name to the form, I thought, "well, there goes my graduate school experience..."

It occurred to me, however, that the code of conduct failed to cover all bases by leaving out the ultimate sin, worse than rock music, blasphemy, dancing, wearing white after Labor Day, anything done by Ozzy Osbourne, and being a democrat COMBINED: the sin of fornication. It reminded me of the sign posted on the door of every gas station mini-mart and fast food restaurant: "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service!" But No Pants? COME RIGHT IN!

Perhaps they figured that by putting their right-winged foot down on these few things, it would transfer to all other things. I mean, honestly, how many sober, non-smoking, unmarried people are fornicating these days? My guess is the numbers are surprisingly low and they just get lower when applied to this university's campus population. The university would be a tough sell to prospective students if the brochure read, "Come and fornicate on our lustrous lawns and inside our hallowed halls! Students here enjoy having biblical knowledge of their classmates sans alcohol, tobacco, and illicit drugs." On second thought, maybe it wouldn't be such a tough sell after all...

Not that it's a big deal to me or anything. I don't drink much, quit smoking, and have never been too amped about illicit drugs. And I'll be married by the time this code of conduct goes into effect. But if I decide to show up to class minus my pants, it's comforting to know I'll be treated with the same respect and given the same education as my pants-wearing colleagues.