untitled

Amway salesmen drink Americanos

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 22:52:00 +0000

I must have a sign on my forehead that makes Amway salesmen in coffee shops feel comfortable approaching me to get me to join their capitalist cult.

Thank God for those handy email addresses used only for potential junk-mail-producing web registrations. It's like 21st century version of the fake phone numbers women memorize to give to men in bars.

Tweet this

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 17:46:00 +0000

Me: You know, now that our parent's generation is starting to use Twitter, I imagine there's now a bunch of people who are now travelling in the left lane of the information super highway with their left blinker on.

Meredith: You should Twitter that.

Let them eat cake!

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 14:40:00 +0000

In light of the recent bonuses paid out to AIG executives, I'm thinking the people responsible for running these companies into the ground and begging congress for a handout are about as daft as Marie-Antoinette.

Mulligan?

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 20:40:00 +0000

My life needs a rewind/erase button.

Coming or going?

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 18:33:00 +0000

If it wasn't for the date being listed above each post, I'm not sure I would know what month it is.

Thoughts on the campaign

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:34:00 +0000

First, I'm glad that Obama is starting to pull away. It's about freakin' time.

That being said, there's something that bugs me about elections. We're in that stage where the candidates start pulling out all the stops, the mud starts slinging back and forth, and it's one negative ad after another.

And yet...most of the content of those ads are half truths at best. Factcheck.org has become a necessity to make sure we don't find ourselves stepping in the political bullshit. As a society, we've told our leaders that it's ok--we accept being lied to. Both parties are guilty of it, and I won't comment on which one I think lies more.

I just wonder what an honest campaign would look like. A campaign that doesn't resort to fear mongering and false advertisements.

I like what Allie had to say about it as well.

When am I?

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 23:49:00 +0000

Today has felt like tomorrow. All day.

And when I imagine next week, those things won't happen for another two weeks.

It's weird.

Theft deterrent

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 01:22:00 +0000

Campus security sent out an email this afternoon to inform the student body of recent catalytic converter thefts that have taken place on campus over the last few weeks.

Catalytic converters are part of a car's exhaust system. They have a high scrap metal value because of the different metals they are made of.

So how does campus security suggest we protect ourselves from these senseless acts of lawlessness? How do we protect ourselves from things being stolen that are underneath our cars? The email says it all:

Yeah.

Did I do that?

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 21:18:00 +0000

Dear Mr. President,

Hey, how's it goin'? Actually, nevermind. I think I have a pretty good idea. What's the approval rating at now? 19%? Ouch. Yeah, I know that's gotta suck. Just remember, this too shall pass.

Listen, I just want to know something. And I'm sorry if I seem a little brash, but...Did you know what you were doing with your economic policy this whole time? It's ok if you didn't. I'd certainly settle for honesty at this point. But we've all seen what's taken place over the span of your adminstration and it just, well...it sticks in my craw, as you Texans say it.

You probably don't see yourself as responsible for what's happening around the world, and I can appreciate that. A man's reach is only so far. And you've had a lot to deal with in these last 7 years, what with the terrorism, and the oil, and the protectoring, and the napping--it's enough to wear a guy out! I know it would me.

But this is where I start to feel awkward about it, and forgive me for assuming what it's like to be in your position. But if it were me, and I was standing in the Oval Office, looking out the window behind my desk, imagining the chaos taking place on Wall Street and financial insitutions collapsing left and right--I think I'd feel a little sheepish. Perhaps even a twinge responsible. But now our market failure has caused foreign governments to have to scramble because their economies are in the shitter. You see what I'm getting at? I used to not want to show my face in school if I was the reason we lost a kickball game in gym class. KICKBALL! NOT WORLDWIDE ECONOMIC DEPRESSION! But maybe that's just me, I dunno.

Listen, I know you've got a lot on your plate these days, so I understand if you don't get back to me right away. Just think about it. Let it simmer. In other words, turn it over in your mind. And remember, there's no judgment here. When you were up against it, and the breaks were beating your boys, you gave it all you had. The Gipper would be proud.

~Jason

She also used to ground herself if she got too carried away as a child

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 22:09:00 +0000

Meredith, after a particularly atonal, silence-breaking, low-growl burp: Eeww! Meredith, that's gross!

Me, startled: What was that?!

Meredith: What? Sometimes I feel the need to chastise myself so I don't start thinking it's ok to do that in public.

Hate to say it

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 21:24:00 +0000

Dear Internet,

I believe you're starting to bore me.

Moneybags and office politics

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 22:59:00 +0000

I've come to realize something about life in the cubicle maze: expect people to ask you for money.

A lot.

Daily.

Within the first week I was asked to contribute food to an office baby shower for someone I didn't even know.

Less than two weeks later it was a contribution to a birthday gift card. THEN it was a gift card for a wedding present.

Today alone I was hit up for the Bowling for Bucks interoffice charity AND the United Way. And that's to say nothing of the upcoming school fund raisers where candy bars cost $10 and a roll of wrapping paper is $40. Peddling little bastards.

I have yet to contribute to any of these causes. With that comes a smug sense of satisfaction and the worry of how much longer I can stay under the radar.

They might as well just start charging a cover to get into work each morning.

Nose in the book

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 22:01:00 +0000

I've been reading a lot lately.

I just thought someone should know.

Their ankles caused me to lust

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 21:24:00 +0000

Or it may have been the seductive gyrations and twirls, I haven't quite decided.

I think if believing in God required any semblance of this whatsoever, I'd go ahead and declare myself an atheist and be done with it.

I like the breakdown at 1:53. Dude looks like he's working the holy ghost out of his shorts.

Eff the effin' effers and their effed-up effness

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 22:15:00 +0000

I was going to talk about a recent conversation I had with someone over the appropriate uses of profanity on Facebook, specifically whether or not it's ok to say "eff." Not the actual four letter word, mind you, but the shortened, three-letter allusion to said four-letter word.

But I didn't like how it was coming out, so I scrapped it.

I just couldn't bring myself to waste such a great title.

This is just wrong

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 17:36:00 +0000

Wouldn't this constitute a human rights violation on some level?

Nose job

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 17:23:00 +0000

SEP to plas tee: a non-cosmetic surgical procedure pertaining to the nasal septum. In short, to straighten that which is crooked and open that which is blocked.

And allow one's wife a decent night's sleep for once.

Coming next month to a face near me.

...Say what?

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 10:48:00 +0000

I watched Gov. Palin's speech at the convention last night. In an effort to connect with her fellow hockey moms in the audience, she described the difference between them and a pit bull was lipstick.

And I can't help but wonder...

What kind of sick individual is putting lipstick on pit bulls?!

And why are they taking said lipstick-donned pit bulls to hockey games?!

A time for everything

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 23:53:00 +0000

I start school again tomorrow. Which can only mean one thing.

Well, it can mean many things, really. But only one thing in particular: three hours of solid lecture three times a week.

I will definitely have time to blog now.

Because few things in life are more satisfying than sticking it to the Man

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 04:28:00 +0000

Last weekend, Meredith and I took advantage of a state-wide tax-free weekend and picked up a GPS unit for her parents. In all fairness, I won't name which brand of GPS it was, but suffice it to say it would remind one of a certain 15th century Portuguese explorer who made the first successful expedition around the world. And his name wasn't Tom.

The only problem we had with the GPS unit was that it didn't work. At all. The whole global positioning and the satellite thing and the maps...NOTHING. Which for some may have been a minor detail to overlook I suppose, but felt it was something to take issue with. Everything inside the packaging warned me to not return the unit to the place of purchase lest an unknown evil plague my family. Or something like that. But what could I do? I called tech support.

Now, let me stop here and say that I worked as a tech support agent for a satellite T.V. company during college. It was undoubtedly one of the worse jobs I've ever had; I have the drinking stories to prove it. With an employee turnover rate at 120% and holding steady, I wasn't alone on that. BUT it allowed me to know and understand what takes place on the other side of those phone calls, which, as it turns out, came in pretty handy.

The first call to tech support resulted in me having to purchase an additional $20 USB cable to update the unit's software, with the hope of it helping along from paperweight to something that might be useful. Four days later when the cable was delivered and the update was made, I started to feel like the biggest sucker in the world. A sucker who was now out $20.

So I made a second call to tech support to arrange for a replacement unit, and this went off without too much trouble. They offered to ship out a new unit in return for the defective one. Fine. Great. They did everything they're required to do by the warranty. But then there was that pesky issue of the USB cable that I shouldn't have had to buy in the first place and ultimately didn't resolve the problem. I decided to give the Portuguese explorer people a chance to save face and let them refund me the $20 for my troubles. Of course, tech support couldn't make this happen, so I had to call the customer care line.

Going into the phone call, I knew it would go one of two ways. It was either going to be easy and quick, or it would have to be escalated to a supervisor. More often than not, the latter and not the former is how these things usually turn out. This was no exception.

And I've gotta say...it was beautiful. The supervisor was apologetic, but firm. There would be no refund. I disagreed. He could apologize all day long for all I cared and it wouldn't change the fact that I'm out $20 and I think he works for a shitty* company that puts out shitty GPS units. He told me it was not the company's policy to give refunds like this. I told him his company's policy was shitty too.

Thirty-five minutes and a few more choice words later, he finally relented. Not because he finally agreed with me and saw things from my perspective. He just wanted to get off the phone the only way he could.

I'll take it.

*Profanity added here for effect.

Do they give you penicilin for that?

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 01:53:00 +0000

This is the best political ad I have seen. Ever.

In summary

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 01:39:00 +0000

Let me first take a minute to collect myself.

These last few weeks have been anything from extreme laziness to extreme busyness, or a combination of both at any given time. At least that's what it felt like.

Since going to (and realizing my complete disdain for) Atlanta, I have:

Experienced both the Alabama you'd expect and the Alabama you didn't think would be possible in this dimension.
Stayed up way too late and gotten up way too early.
Read a couple of books.
Painted the first floor of my in-law's house.
Quit my job. I have a knack for doing that at this time of the year. I think August should be "National Quit Your Job Month."

Or "National Don't Update Your Blog Month" for that matter.

Out of place

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 16:17:00 +0000

I hate Atlanta.

I'm sitting in a Panera inside the Lenox Mall located in the upscale Buckhead section of the city and finding it particularly ironic that this is the second time I've been here in as many years despite the hate-hate relationship I have with it. I've found the middle finger to be standard operating procedure when navigating this area. The roads and the drivers are fucking crazy. That's it. There's very little about this city that appeals to me. Whenever I find myself in a new place or a new situation, I have an almost immediate awareness that for one reason or another, I don't belong there. It doesn't fit. I feel the same way when I'm in a Banana Republic.

I enjoy traveling, don't get me wrong. I just don't like traveling to or within Atlanta, including the airport. The Atlanta airport is a self-contained microcosm of the city. If you've ever had a layover in Atlanta, I would say you've experienced everything the city has to offer.

The Panera was practically impossible to find, like everything else in this city. The hotel I stayed at last night was located on Peachtree Blvd, which is technically called Peachtree Industrial Blvd. according to MapQuest. But for sign purposes, 'Peachtree Blvd.' is explanation enough. Or at least it should be. There are no less than 103,472 Peachtree-somethings in the greater Atlanta area. I had to cross Peachtree Rd. and the we-couldn't-think-of-anything-else-to-call-it New Peachtree Road before I came to the boulevard. I think creativity should be considered when hiring for the city's planning commission. It should involve crayons and a life-sized maze.

It's not that I didn't have help in locating this particular Panera. Meredith has been here for two weeks and, as this is the last day of her conference, told me I could kill time at the right-down-the-road Panera. Which seemed pretty straightforward to me: I get in my car, I drive a little, I make no left or right turns in the process, and eventually I see the my destination on the left or right. I even employed the use of the GPS for good measure. But that's not how it went down. There's more than one Panera on this road. And she wasn't talking about the first one listed--the one I chose--which was the closest. Which was located inside the mall. Which the GPS failed to mention. I had to call the Panera to ascertain that little gem of information. I drove by the mall three times, each time hearing the soothing female GPS voice (Maggie, as we've dubbed her) inform me that I had arrived. I thought she was mocking me.

This mall is probably the nicest one I've been in. Everything is designer and overpriced. I'm sure there's a Banana Republic in here somewhere. Right about now I'm thinking that the restrooms in Neiman-Marcus must be immaculate; possibly adorned with Greco-Roman fountains if not gargoyle statues. It may be worth a visit. I once came across a bathroom in a department store in one of the malls back home. It was behind the fine china and crystal stemware displays and completely untainted by public use. The feeling I got from it I assume was similar to what Louis and Clark experienced the first time they saw the Pacific Ocean. I wonder if I'll have to tip anyone to hand me a paper towel.

If there was any doubt before (which there wasn't), it has been removed: someone just walked by with a Banana Republic shopping bag.

Ohhhhhh.....

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 22:08:00 +0000

Me, to my boss: I had to throw away the milk cartons in the display case. They expired a week ago. One guy told me it was cottage cheese.

My boss: What? No, the date said July '09.

Me: Ummm...no, that's July 9th.

A foray into art

noreply@blogger.com (Jason) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 02:11:00 +0000

A few months ago, I wrote about my attempt at suicide in 2004. You can read about it here.

The day I wrote that post, I submitted a painting to a local art show that was inspired by my experience. I got it back a while ago, but I wanted to include it here as part of the story. Below is the caption I wrote to go along with it.

The inspiration for this piece comes from the scar above my right eye, less than an inch long and barely noticeable. Seemingly insignificant, this scar is the only visible reminder I have of the day I gave up on life and resolved to end it by pushing my car off of its jack as I laid underneath it. After being airlifted to the hospital, I was released with five stitches, a couple of cracked ribs, and the secret reality of what looked like an accident. Some scars go much deeper than what stitches can mend. This is my attempt at healing.

P.S. I'm doing much better now.